People do things. A lot of things, actually. Some of them are stupid things. A lot of them, to be fair.
Sometimes I feel like I do a lot of stupid things myself, because I do. I hate to think (but do it anyway) that I make more mistakes than most other people around me, but that’s probably just my poor perception of other people’s lives and actions.
Anyway, I wanted to use this post to publicly apologize to some folks that I’ve been especially stupid about. Partly because I want to get it off my chest, and partly because I just hate not having closure. This post isn’t supposed to bring any of the people that left back to me, and it’s not supposed to make anyone feel bad about me or anyone else. I’m writing this to be able to deal with it myself, because if I don’t, some of these things will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I might delete this post in the future, because it’s probably going to make me seem like even more of an idiot, but I just want to write it.
Sorry to a friend of mine from a long time ago, who was sick a lot when we made plans to record some videos together (back when I still made gaming videos on my Youtube channel). I kept getting frustrated at her having to cancel multiple times because she got sick, to the point where I just sort of lost understanding for it and started yelling at her. In my mind, it all made sense. She always cancelled because she doesn’t like me, and doesn’t want to spend time with me, and so I said that maybe we should just let this go altogether. Out of rage. So.. she did let it go. She blocked me on all platforms that we were friends on, and I never spoke to her again. And still haven’t.
And every time I feel bad about a fight or something similar, I go back to thinking about this, and what a dick I’ve been, and how much I deserved her reaction. And I just can’t make it up because I don’t know how to. I’m stuck with this stupid thing that I did and there’s no way to fix it, and that just absolutely kills me.
Sorry to a friend that I’d made only recently, with who a similar thing happened. There’s a lot of times when I’m really annoyed at something, and so I start lashing out at people. So in this instance, there was a huge Twitter discussion going on and I was mentioned in the thread because it started with a tweet by or about me. I sent a sarcastic message telling them to stop mentioning me, and it came across as really mean. Maybe it actually was really mean. So.. he blocked me for a bit because he’s not very emotionally stable either, and I felt really terrible, so I apologized and we became friends. Well.. until I made the same stupid mistake again. I lashed out at them in a long twitter discussion about a topic I wasn’t really interested in, they blocked me, and now I don’t know what to do. I don’t blame him for what he did, especially because I made the same mistake twice and I’ve just been such an idiot about it.
It just feels like blocking is this universal thing to shut people out of your lives, for however long, maybe forever. And it’s just such a horrible feeling, because it feels like you try to make it up to them, or apologize, and all the gates of their house are closed so you can’t even get to the doorbell.
Sorry to the company I was formerly partnered with for Minecraft servers and my website. I know this should be a more formal apology, but I don’t know if I’m able to do that right now. Following some personal differences with some of the employees (caused by me because I’m an idiot who lashes out at people that don’t deserve it a lot), I decided that I don’t want to be partnered with them anymore, because said employees were the one I would contact about issues and help and stuff like that, and I just felt really bad and uncomfortable being partnered with people that I don’t personally get along with. Yes, I know, this is what most job relations and bosses at work are like, but I just felt really bad and uncomfortable and so I decided to get partnered with a different company instead. I don’t know, maybe it was a stupid move, maybe it was the right decision. The way I did it was stupid and flawed, that’s for sure.
So basically, I sent the other company an application and got accepted, and they sent a tweet about it. At that point, I hadn’t told the company I was partnered with about my new partnership and that I wanted to leave them, and because they were probably already on the edge about how they feel about me, they suspended my account and the partnership. A move I don’t blame them for in retrospect.
But now I have this additional thing in my head that just drives me crazy. This was a combination of my horrible timing, my inability to talk to people witohut it being on a personal level, and my general stupidity with planning and deciding things. And I hate that it happened, but I’m not sure there’s anything I can do.
Sorry to my boyfriend, who I have stupid trust issues with. I love him a lot, but at the same time, I’m never sure he does. I’m never sure he really likes me, he actually enjoys talking to me, and I’m never sure if he’s not running off with some friend of his who is probably way better than me anyway. And it’s just so stupid of me. I keep starting fights with him because I don’t trust him, and because I’m worried that I’ll lose him, and because one of us made a tiny little mistake that made me doubt our relationship.
I wish I could just trust him and be happy, but it’s so extremely hard for me to get through to my mind. He’s amazingly supportive and says that we’ll get through this, and I’m so happy to have him, because he’s really awesome. Sorry, and thanks for being there for me. I love you.
Sorry to my friends in general, who keep having to deal with this kind of stuff in personal messages and conversations. Yes, I’m a mess, and yes, I have a lot of personal problems, but that gives me no right to lash out and yell at friends, to keep whining, to keep being jealous at what they make. It feels like they all need to walk on tiptoe around me, just because I can’t deal with myself and my feelings and my everything else. Most of them keep saying that it’s okay, and that they’re not bothered by me talking to them about my problems, but I just can’t believe that that’s true. I can’t stand myself and so I don’t understand why anyone else can stand me, let alone talking about all the stuff I keep bringing up.
At the same time, I love all of my friends for being this way, and supporting me, and helping me deal with myself. You’re all amazing and I’m not sure what I’d do without you.
I’m seeing my therapist again on the 29th, and now that my final exams are finished, she considers giving me antidepressants. She says they have a lot of side effects, but I’m hoping they’ll help me be less like this.
I’m not trying to blame depression, but I keep trying to be a better person, and I just can’t do it. I just hope that maybe, if I’m less depressed, I will also be less of an idiot.